four-eyes.

mk. so here's my beef. what i dreaded would happen has indeed happened. i have become a "four-eyes."now for the longest time (which is a great song by the way) i have not gone to the eye doctor for this very reason. i knew i had visionary issues butt (which is what is enlarging on my posterior for all the "christmas cookies" and such that i have devoured) i did not want to got into a doc, and pay them to tell me what i already knew and by doing so be labeled a "four-eyes."

*this is my disclaimer* now i'm not in any way trying to be mean or a jerk to my fellow "four-eyes' "--don't worry, i'v already recieved my membership card in the mail--i'm just callin' it like it is and it makes me SCREAM! ........i scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM! haha did you think i'd throw in something that had to do w/ my eye-wear...puhleeazze do you really think i'm clever enough to fit four-eyes into that song. don't think so, or ye of too much faith. naw i'm just kidding about that...well about the too much faith. you can never have too much of that.

and since i have already been labeled a four-eyes by THE MAN! i would like to share with you my adventures of this momentous (or however you spell that) day. 

i really was dreading going in to my appointment today and so i brought snuggle the bear w/ me to keep me company. HAHA NO I'M JUST KIDDING!!! i brought along my fasha and jake. well we got in there and signed all the stuff--and i'm pretty sure i signed my sould to Bob Barker or something cause i didn't really read a word of the little stuff that said "initial after every paragrah or something"--and i waited patiently in the waiting patiently area of the "optomitrist's office." 

now i would like to say something about this doc. the man was wearing glasses himself. could this office be all about revenge? just a thought i thought about throwing out there...believe me, i had plenty of time to think about it since they took jake back first. i mean let us be serious for a second. the man's wearing glasses. who's to say that his perscription is off and that he is giving everyone else the wrong prescription? i mean common. do you really think the guy gives himself an eye examination...puh NO! otherwise he'd have 20/20 vision and wouldn't be president of the club (a reference i made in the paragraphs above...just incase any of you are just reading this and not really paying attention and following the story).

so it was my turn and a lady came out that looked like someone who might have potential to be a cat-lady in 5 to 10 years and she was going to be doing my PRE-eye examination. so she put me on the first doohicky and told me to do whatever it was...i can't really remember cause it all happened so fast i'm still in a daze...and lets just say i didn't pass with flying colors. why? because the color test was next. i think i scored 3 and a half. the half was a two digit number that i could only see the first digit. let's just say that wasn't my forte either. well then she moved me to the next contraption and said look at that dark blot in the center and when you see lines click the button. THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST REDICULOUS "EXAM" EVER!!!! personal opinion. then the potential filled villian of a lady told me to scoot over to the next machine. you could tell i was the number one priority on her line--she demonstrated this by the annoyed expression on her face as i was not scooting fast enough for her liking. she said, "this is a machine that is going to measure the pressure in your eyes. you are just going to feel a light puff of air." nothing harmless i thought to myself. just a light puff of air. a LIGHT PUFF OF AIR. so she says just focus on the little green light and then you'll feel the LIGHT PUFF OF AIR.

*you might have noticed i am emphasizing the LIGHT PUFF OF AIR part. we are quickly coming to that.*

so i focus on the green light and am calmly and patiently waiting for the LIGHT PUFF OF AIR. as i sat there i began to relax just a smidge thinking that it's not that bad and you know those times that you speak too soon? yeah, i was ALL over that. that "LIGHT PUFF OF AIR" cause my head to have a reflex SOOO BIG that i recieved and 11th degree whiplash!!! not cool. i can handle a puff. this was no puff. a puff is like a small amount of air that caresses the eyeball. this "puff" (or so they called it) was like a HURRICANE THAT SLAMMED INTO MY EYEBALL AND DEPRESSURIZED IT BECAUSE OF THE AIR FORCE TRAUMA INCURRED BY A "puff". as you can tell i'm not at all bitter about this, i just think that they need to call it a mass-of-ai-slamming-into-your-eyeball-at-high-speeds-machine...that's all i'm trying to say really. then they made me do another machine which i really can't remember because the trauma that my body endured has blocked any memory of the following few minutes.

well after all that i saw mr charming himself and boy was it special. tin man w/ no heart comes prancing into the room like he's got a wedgie or somethin and instead of just takin the time to go to the restroom and...take care of the problem...he just tries to remove said wedgie by walking it out. for the record, it never worked. he "worked his magic w/ the lenses" and then i was diagnosed a "four-eyes"...there was no sympathy recieved from the guy. just a cold hearted diagnosis and he led me into the other room to get pictures of my eyeballs cause the machine wasn't working earlier.

now i know how bugs feel when they fly around in the summer around those bug zappers. they tell you to focus on the little light and then all of a sudden there is a huge flash that blinds you...and they don't wait for your eye to recover before they move to the next and repeated the same thing. then they told me to go  on out and sit in the waiting area to get some glasses. now keep in mind that i have just been literally flashed and am now asked to WALK into the waiting area..i looked like i just downed a bottle of jack daniels.

all that to say i have now joined the prestigeous league of "four-eyes" and am one for the rest of my life. which is too bad but it's chill i guess. i mean how bad can it get? i'm no longer in 4th grade so i don't gotta worry about messin with my style of a fancy bowl cut and tight black jeans. which i was a very big fan of!!! not gonna lie bout that one! but lets face it. elementary kids can be cruel. along w/ middle schoolers but we won't go there thats for a whole nother blog post.

well it's good to be back and i hope you all had a super fantastic and MERRY CHRISTMAS! none of this holiday crap. MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS! and i hope you guys have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!